˗ˋˏ entry #09 ⋆˚⟡˖

 haii!! today was eventful, i guess.

it was SO rainy like it was POURING. 

i felt like everyone knew where my mouth has been, as if they could smell the lust on me.

english was okay, literally nothing happened. in maths, brooke asked me about halloween and invited me to a FIELD PARTY WITH HER FRIENDS. there's gonna be ALCOHOL and WEED. hopefully it actually happens though. in history i had to go to the RIC (revision and intervention centre) to do a test that i missed on the second day back and ROSIE was there (because she broke her leg or something) and we kept on making eye contact. so awkward. science was LOUD because ethan and esme kept on bickering about using my ruler. 

at lunch, me, jess, brooke and poppy were in the hall and brooke's brother - brogan - and a random girl came up to us and was telling brooke some drama. basically it was about izzie trying to kill her sister or something but it was a rumour because i watched izzie snitch on her and the teacher talking to her as she cried. a year 7 by the way. i don't know why izzie is beefing with a year 7 because they literally joined less than a week ago. 

anyways in the hall izzie was standing nearby rosie's group which is across the hall from us so brooke goes up to her to talk about something so i'm like observing them and as i do so, alvin approaches them and then more people from alvin's group joins them one at a time so i'm like WHAT IS GOING ON?? and i think izzie got confronted by them for chatting shit about lola or something. i've asked alvin about it, she's just not texting me back

the bell rings and it's time for pm reg so me and jess are making our way to our tutor base which is in the science block and infront of the science building is h8 (a classroom) which is mrs duffy's tutor base. so we're about to go in and we stop because there's commotion like outside of h8. OSCAR PIERCE AND THIS NEW GUY WERE FULL ON FIGHTING. i was laughing so hard. they both tumbled onto the floor and it was like a tornado, people had to move out the way because they were spinning into their direction. mrs duffy comes and breaks it up and jess is like behind me kinda so i turn to talk to her after hysterically laughing and MY TUTOR IS BEHIND JESS. so i turn to my tutor and said "that was bad" and ran up the stairs. 

anyways i had to walk home in the rain and i was stuck behind a wall of annoying year 7s. not fun.

i cannot be bothered to write any more.

signed with fairy dust and a wish, 

- eloise 

˗ˋˏ entry #08 ⋆˚⟡˖

 heyy!! today was good!

i had okay lessons, me and jess laughed alot. 

after school we hung out and walked to the village and then went to the library for a bit and made a instagram account to "prank" poppy. we then went back to mine and watched bad education and made out on a SCHOOL NIGHT! how scandalous!!!

first makeout in my new bed, yaaay!!!!! i miss it so much, my hands tangled in her hair, her fingers brushing down my shoulders, her lips on mine, how she laughed when i couldn't undo the buttons to her school shirt, i could still feel the warmth of where her body was before she left. it's unfortunate how i had to wash her touch off of me, if i could i would keep it on me forever but i have to shower. 

she dyed her hair dark brown, it really suits her. she is so beautiful. 

since i sit next to ethan in science that means i have the misfortune of hearing him talk loudly to his friends across the classroom. he's dating a year 9 (year below us) so he's been being called a nonce by everyone and lola (a popular girl who is VERY scary) called him a pedophile so HE said that her boyfriend looks like a mug which was BAD apparently because he is very violent and has a friend in prison for attempted murder so ethan is gonna get jumped. which i do not care about because he sucks, like he just makes fun of me but it's subtle but also very obviously a joke.

i can't believe rosie is dating finley, i'm assuming they're dating. he is only dating her because he's desperate and no other boy likes her, it's mean but true. she doesn't exactly have a good face or body. he's only dating her because he couldn't get with me or jess but he never even had a chance, we we're making out while actively ignoring his texts. he's just weird. he's a multiple offender too.  

waking up at 6 every morning sucks, but i get to see my bestfriend so it's fine. it's all worth it. 

now i need to sleep so i can wake up to see her.

goodnight!

signed with fairy dust and a wish,

- eloise. 

˗ˋˏ entry #07 ⋆˚⟡˖

 heeeey!! it is monday, just gotta get to friday and it'll be fine. just to friday. 

today wasn't bad. just a regular boring day. i laughed with jess, like i do everyday which i love doing. literally the highlight of my day. 

english was okay, i actually enjoy english even though i have no friends in it, it's a peaceful class. film studies was good, i like that subject even though its lonely, it's mainly watching films and analysing posters which i think is pretty cool. tech was also okay, we have to design a display stand which i really can't be bothered to do. science wasn't THAT bad, there was a new seating plan thank GOD, i really didn't wanna sit next to rosie. rosie is my opp now, i'll explain in a minute. and then i had maths which was alright, i talked with brooke. 

right so i have no idea if i've talked about rosie before on this blog but basically she joined my school around november 2024, and i befriended her because she became friends with my friend, sam (WHO IS NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE). and she was like a side friend, like there's main friends and then friends that are kinda to the side. i hope that makes sense. but yeah i liked being with her. so we were friends until like recently (late july), so what happened is basically she has a friend group consisting of phoebe, milan, matty, isla, freya, finley, abigal, brooke (kinda??) and i think that is it. so they're kinda like nerds, like neeky kids that are lowkey perverts. they were chill and pretty nice. THEY WERE. so me and jess would sit behind them on the field and watch them run around and scream because it was entertaining, we would sit with their group sometimes too. 

basically every year my school has this day called 'activity day' near the end of the school year which is basically everyone getting to do a day full of activities. how fun. so on this day, i was with their group so it was me, jess, poppy, brooke, finley, rosie, isla, matty, milan, abigal, phoebe. and we were having a good time, finley was nice and he seemed like he would be a good friend so i got his phone number from brooke (who's had an issue with him in the past but i didn't think he would be weird because he knew i was a lesbian). he texts me and he's just being a huge weirdo, asking gross questions and just being a pervert to me AND jess. 

after a whole weekend of him being strange, i tell rosie about it because i felt like she needed to know. by the way, he was saying some stuff about rosie and texting me and jess while telling her that he loves her so clearly HE DOESN'T LOVE HER. and i told her what he said and i asked her not to tell him and she doesn't listen and does it anyways which CAUSES DRAMA. she later on blames it on me, saying that i cause drama (????) and that i probably provoked him. so i literally lost a friendship over a GUY even though i don't even swing that way. so now her friend group SHUNS ME. 

fortunately i had over a month of the summer holiday to recover and now i have to try to ignore their extremely obvious stares. ugh. so yeah rosie sucks and finley is weird, apparently they were holding hands today. ew. that sounds so childlish, we're leaving school in two years and them "HOLDING HANDS" is gossip. jeez.

brooke told me about her empty relationship with milan, he doesn't even look in her direction. it is his first relationship though and brooke said she's only dating him out of pity, she want's to break up with him but their friendgroup is so dramatic and sensitive. i've done more with my bestfriend than brooke's done with her LITERAL BOYFRIEND. she described it as "dating a brick wall", yeesh. it's such a forced relationship. 

homoerotic friendships are good because i get to do relationship stuff but also not have to commit. the feelings are there, i'm just scared to actually dedicate myself to her. yeah maybe it's extremely painful and my heart drops whenever i see her jokingly flirt with another friend but my chest tingles whenever she touches me and i avoid brushing my teeth so i can keep her taste in my mouth for as long as possible. how gross, love makes me disgusting. i can't imagine actually dating her though, if she had feelings for me that would be okay but having a genuine relationship just seems stressful. like last time it felt like i lost all my freedom and i could only think about when we were gonna break up. 

she's very beautiful though, she has a nice body too, and pretty hair. i'm grateful that i get to press my mouth upon her bare skin, it's like a blessing from god. but he's not real so probably not. 

can't be bothered to write any more, i am sooo excited to wake up at 6am in the morning!!! NOT.

signed with fairy dust and a wish, 

- eloise

˗ˋˏ entry #06 ⋆˚⟡˖

 hiii!! had a sleepover with my bestfriend yaaaaaaaay!!!

i had to walk an hour to her house, which wouldn't be that bad if i didn't have to navigate myself round extremely busy roads with pathways and traffic lights crossing. i got lost like twice. and i was SWEATING by the time i got there. 

anyways we walked around and went back to her's and watched a bunch of movies. and then we were "practicing" for a while. i don't even think it should be called practice because she says were "friends with benefits" so it's just pleasure with no strings attached, like it shouldn't be called practice because IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. like just say we're fooling around or something.

anyways, i'm NOT gonna go into detail but we were both shirtless and i liked the skin to skin contact. oh yeaaahhhhhhh... oh yeeeeaaaaahhhhh....

she said i'm her bestfriend AYEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! 

bad news is that she knows i have a secret that i'm not telling her and she keeps on interrogating me about it and she's aware that my blog and my diary contains said secret and she knows that i HIDE MY DIARY whenever she comes round. she literally cannot know. it will ruin EVERYTHING. 

ugh. kill me now. 

i've spent like two hours doing my film studies homework that i was supposed to do in the summer and it was sooo boring. i'm dreading school tomorrow. 

my new bed is currently being built so i can't go into my room. i'm STUCK on the living room sofa.

anyways i'm gonna go do whatever now.

signed with fairy dust and a wish,

- eloise

˗ˋˏ entry #05 ⋆˚⟡˖

 right so shortly after my previous entry, my mum attempted to make me blonde with box dye. BIG MISTAKE.

IT MADE ME GINGER!!! LITERALLY GINGER. LIKE MY HAIR WAS BRIGHT ORANGE. 

so obviously i refused to go into school because that is social suicide and i looked ugly and my looks are everything to me so absolutely not.

i went to see a hair stylist to see if she can fix it and make me blonde again. for reference, before i dyed my hair pink i was golden blonde. she bleached and toned my hair and now it's ALMOST WHITE. 

it's not even bad, i'm just not used to it. it's cool. it is permanent though so goodbye forever my golden blonde hair!! 

she said i looked like taylor swift, two hairstylists has said that about me but i don't really see it. i appreciate the compliment though.

it's the weekend now, yaay!! no idea what i'm gonna do though, i don't know if jess can hang out with me. i hope she can because i literally HATE everyone else. like seriously i want everyone to die. 

so the first two days of year 10 was TERRIBLE. and i'm feeling extremely lonely and ugly and fat. ughh. 

i'm gonna try to walk more often. which will be a challenge because i'm extremely unfit. 

I AM BOREDD!!!!!!!!!

i feel disliked, gross, alone, fat and stupid and i hate everyone. 

anyways i'm gonna try to relax now. 

signed with fairy dust and a wish 

- eloise

˗ˋˏ entry #04 ⋆˚⟡˖

 today was my first day of year 10. god.

i started the day by waking up at exactly 6:00am, 45 minutes before i used to wake up. i didn't sleep well which is normal on school nights, i couldn't help but miss my bestfriend who was laying in my bed a few hours prior. 

as i did my makeup, i could only think about seeing her. she makes school worth it. outside was dark and silent as if it was stuck in time. my makeup looked good, especially since that was my 2nd time doing that style. i stared at myself in my mirror, i wish i could look like that in school. 

i went onto my landing and both of my cats were there, how unusual, there's normally only one. mister, my cat, was usually outside or asleep on the sofa with my stepdad but instead he was there. his fur was wet from the outside rain meanwhile clara's (my other cat) was dry. i went downstairs to the kitchen and they followed, i could only assume they were hungry. as i was putting their gross food on a plate, i discovered mister had vomited on the carpet. eww. 

my morning before school went smoothly, on the car ride, me and my mum were trying to spot the new year 7s. i got to school and waited for maybe 20 minutes for jess, my bestfriend. we met before school like we have been doing since i lost all our friends in april. i'm glad we've carried that routine to year 10. she made remarks about my hair, as i expected her to. it was quite obvious that the dye hadn't washed out but it was still very faded, like very faded. we had to walk by my head of year to get into the gates. it seemed like she didn't notice. besides she would have other things to worry about right? like the new year 7s.

we walked into AM reg and the first person to talk to me was ethan, one of the popular, loud boys. he spotted me and announced that he liked my hair, obviously not being serious. i didn't think anyone would take notice. every one of my classmates looked the same as they did before summer, i expected people to look at least a tiny bit different. i did miss school a tiny bit. PDL was okay, it was about taxes and government. makes me feel like i'm growing up too fast, since i am leaving school in 2 years. i spent the whole lesson grinning and whispering to jess, it seems like thats all i am able to do.

near the end of the period 1, my head of year took me to ISOLATION. because my faded hair dye. i have no idea how long i was in there since the computers were broken so i couldn't even look at the time. they took my phone too. i heard the loud screech of the bell, i would've been going to PE but i was sat in a miserable, quiet room. all i could hear was the faint buzzing of the staff's walkie talkie and the year 7s yelling through the walls. on the other side of an empty booth, there was izzie. a girl in my year who i talk to sometimes, i like her tiktoks, she's nice. she had bright, dyed hair, like everyone else in there. we got to lean backwards on our chairs and exchange looks and grins. 

i felt my unused note for PE in my blazer pocket, i thought about what it would've been like if i was there with jess. i would be smiling and talking with her, i'm always smiling at her. i usually fake smile at people but with her it's real and natural. we would watch everyone else doing PE and chat shit probably, she would say something funny and i would burst out into giggles. my eyes would be on her face the entire time, i like to look at her. instead i was sat in the isolation room doing nothing. i'm mostly goodly behaved so being in isolation was different. it sucked. i could only think about the time i could've been spending with jess. 

the break bell rang, i felt bad about leaving her with poppy since i've discovered they aren't as close as i assumed they were. she tells me her real thoughts about people, she knows i have nobody else to tell and she knows i'll agree. i doodled stars and hearts onto my timetable since there was nothing else i could do. i got to leave isolation shortly after break ended because my mum was there to pick me up. she cussed them out over the phone, she wasn't happy and she thought it was stupid. 

on the way back we stopped at the village to buy hair dye since my school insists i dye it a natural colour. the village was littered in orange leaves and it was dull and dark from the morning rainfall. autumn is here.

at least i get to lay in bed. i had good lessons today though, four lessons with my bestfriend in one day. it's sad i'm missing them. i hope i can reunite with her tomorrow because i miss her, i really really miss her. 

i'm not ready to see people i dislike in my other classes though. ugh. 

signed with fairydust and a wish,

- eloise

˗ˋˏ entry #03 ⋆˚⟡˖

 hellooo!!! school starts TOMORROW. oh my god i do NOT want to go back.

i have HOMEWORK and for some GODFORSAKEN REASON we have to get a new app to see our assignments and timetables and WHATEVER. literally what's the point.

i rewatched the substance recently. i like margaret qualley. she's super pretty. i like her eyes. 

i did different eye makeup today. its called 'slavic doll' makeup which i think is a weird name. why name a makeup style after a group of people??? its pretty though.

it's like white eye pencil and eyeliner. it's nice. its also a MASSIVE PAIN. i hate putting on eyeliner. it gets everywhere and it smudges and i suck at it and i HATE IT. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!

i want to get tinted lip balm with a red tint, not like bright red though. i want it to look cute and natural. 

i wish i looked like a doll with big eyelashes, big eyes, rosy lips, freckles, slim face and a small nose. but i DON'T. i am FAT and UGLY!!!!

literally nobody is ever gonna love me when i have the fat face of a male politician.

i'm not pretty or smart or funny. i'm gonna get nowhere in life. ughh. 

i feel like i've never been pretty, like i've always been ugly. my natural face isn't pretty, my face with makeup isn't pretty. i only look half decent in certain lightings and angles. i hate when people have to look at my ugly face, i am such an eyesore. i feel like i talk about other people's appearances to make me feel better about myself but being mean won't make me prettier. ugh. 

i'm gonna have to wake up at 6am EVERY MORNING, FIVE DAYS A WEEK for a WHILE. i actually cannot. life is SO complicated. but i should be greatful i have that privilege and that i'm not being bombed and starved in a third world country. 

i need to start studying and paying attention in school, my whole future depends on what i do RIGHT NOW. alot of pressure that the outcomes of my actions at 14 - 16 impact my ENTIRE future.

about my bestfriend, we've been hanging out more. and we had a sleepover. yay fun. stuff happened and now i am doubting myself. 

i have no idea if i'm insane but i swear to god, there was tension. I AM NOT CRAZY. everytime she touched me i had like a full body reaction, i would get this sharp feeling in my chest. like she put her arm around my stomach and it felt like a lightning bolt had struck my heart. i think i just like physical touch. like whenever she put her head on my chest, my heart would drop. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M REACTING LIKE THIS. and oh my god. i mentioned this blog to her and now she's probably gonna try to find it, this will mess up our whole friendship. 

whenever we're "practicing" she always ask if its practice or if friends do this. like why do you doubt yourself when you're the one who gave it that label. GUYS. WHAT'S GOING ONN.

if she finds this i'm screwed. like so screwed. 

she's really set on finding this. i am SO SCARED.

i was mainly looking at her the whole time, i slipped and called her cute which was embarrassing. i am so pathetic, literally what am i doing. she's very beautiful though, everything about her is just so flawless. her eyes, her hair, her smile, her nails, her face, her curves. oh my god. i literally cannot tell if i'm over her or not. i like to run my fingertips up and down her skin, drawing patterns, writing my name and secrets that she'll never know. is this ever over?

hopefully it'll be over soon because it's one sided and painful and shameful.

my pink hair dye is kinda out, i look a bit ginger though. i miss being blonde.

since today is my last day of peace, i'm gonna hangout with my bestfriend ayyyeeee!!!!!! so exciting!!!!! it's like midnight right now and i do need to sleep.

goodnight!!!!

signed with fairy dust and a wish

- eloise