˗ˋˏ entry #03 ⋆˚⟡˖

 hellooo!!! school starts TOMORROW. oh my god i do NOT want to go back.

i have HOMEWORK and for some GODFORSAKEN REASON we have to get a new app to see our assignments and timetables and WHATEVER. literally what's the point.

i rewatched the substance recently. i like margaret qualley. she's super pretty. i like her eyes. 

i did different eye makeup today. its called 'slavic doll' makeup which i think is a weird name. why name a makeup style after a group of people??? its pretty though.

it's like white eye pencil and eyeliner. it's nice. its also a MASSIVE PAIN. i hate putting on eyeliner. it gets everywhere and it smudges and i suck at it and i HATE IT. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!

i want to get tinted lip balm with a red tint, not like bright red though. i want it to look cute and natural. 

i wish i looked like a doll with big eyelashes, big eyes, rosy lips, freckles, slim face and a small nose. but i DON'T. i am FAT and UGLY!!!!

literally nobody is ever gonna love me when i have the fat face of a male politician.

i'm not pretty or smart or funny. i'm gonna get nowhere in life. ughh. 

i feel like i've never been pretty, like i've always been ugly. my natural face isn't pretty, my face with makeup isn't pretty. i only look half decent in certain lightings and angles. i hate when people have to look at my ugly face, i am such an eyesore. i feel like i talk about other people's appearances to make me feel better about myself but being mean won't make me prettier. ugh. 

i'm gonna have to wake up at 6am EVERY MORNING, FIVE DAYS A WEEK for a WHILE. i actually cannot. life is SO complicated. but i should be greatful i have that privilege and that i'm not being bombed and starved in a third world country. 

i need to start studying and paying attention in school, my whole future depends on what i do RIGHT NOW. alot of pressure that the outcomes of my actions at 14 - 16 impact my ENTIRE future.

about my bestfriend, we've been hanging out more. and we had a sleepover. yay fun. stuff happened and now i am doubting myself. 

i have no idea if i'm insane but i swear to god, there was tension. I AM NOT CRAZY. everytime she touched me i had like a full body reaction, i would get this sharp feeling in my chest. like she put her arm around my stomach and it felt like a lightning bolt had struck my heart. i think i just like physical touch. like whenever she put her head on my chest, my heart would drop. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M REACTING LIKE THIS. and oh my god. i mentioned this blog to her and now she's probably gonna try to find it, this will mess up our whole friendship. 

whenever we're "practicing" she always ask if its practice or if friends do this. like why do you doubt yourself when you're the one who gave it that label. GUYS. WHAT'S GOING ONN.

if she finds this i'm screwed. like so screwed. 

she's really set on finding this. i am SO SCARED.

i was mainly looking at her the whole time, i slipped and called her cute which was embarrassing. i am so pathetic, literally what am i doing. she's very beautiful though, everything about her is just so flawless. her eyes, her hair, her smile, her nails, her face, her curves. oh my god. i literally cannot tell if i'm over her or not. i like to run my fingertips up and down her skin, drawing patterns, writing my name and secrets that she'll never know. is this ever over?

hopefully it'll be over soon because it's one sided and painful and shameful.

my pink hair dye is kinda out, i look a bit ginger though. i miss being blonde.

since today is my last day of peace, i'm gonna hangout with my bestfriend ayyyeeee!!!!!! so exciting!!!!! it's like midnight right now and i do need to sleep.

goodnight!!!!

signed with fairy dust and a wish

- eloise