˗ˋˏ entry #07 ⋆˚⟡˖

 heeeey!! it is monday, just gotta get to friday and it'll be fine. just to friday. 

today wasn't bad. just a regular boring day. i laughed with jess, like i do everyday which i love doing. literally the highlight of my day. 

english was okay, i actually enjoy english even though i have no friends in it, it's a peaceful class. film studies was good, i like that subject even though its lonely, it's mainly watching films and analysing posters which i think is pretty cool. tech was also okay, we have to design a display stand which i really can't be bothered to do. science wasn't THAT bad, there was a new seating plan thank GOD, i really didn't wanna sit next to rosie. rosie is my opp now, i'll explain in a minute. and then i had maths which was alright, i talked with brooke. 

right so i have no idea if i've talked about rosie before on this blog but basically she joined my school around november 2024, and i befriended her because she became friends with my friend, sam (WHO IS NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE). and she was like a side friend, like there's main friends and then friends that are kinda to the side. i hope that makes sense. but yeah i liked being with her. so we were friends until like recently (late july), so what happened is basically she has a friend group consisting of phoebe, milan, matty, isla, freya, finley, abigal, brooke (kinda??) and i think that is it. so they're kinda like nerds, like neeky kids that are lowkey perverts. they were chill and pretty nice. THEY WERE. so me and jess would sit behind them on the field and watch them run around and scream because it was entertaining, we would sit with their group sometimes too. 

basically every year my school has this day called 'activity day' near the end of the school year which is basically everyone getting to do a day full of activities. how fun. so on this day, i was with their group so it was me, jess, poppy, brooke, finley, rosie, isla, matty, milan, abigal, phoebe. and we were having a good time, finley was nice and he seemed like he would be a good friend so i got his phone number from brooke (who's had an issue with him in the past but i didn't think he would be weird because he knew i was a lesbian). he texts me and he's just being a huge weirdo, asking gross questions and just being a pervert to me AND jess. 

after a whole weekend of him being strange, i tell rosie about it because i felt like she needed to know. by the way, he was saying some stuff about rosie and texting me and jess while telling her that he loves her so clearly HE DOESN'T LOVE HER. and i told her what he said and i asked her not to tell him and she doesn't listen and does it anyways which CAUSES DRAMA. she later on blames it on me, saying that i cause drama (????) and that i probably provoked him. so i literally lost a friendship over a GUY even though i don't even swing that way. so now her friend group SHUNS ME. 

fortunately i had over a month of the summer holiday to recover and now i have to try to ignore their extremely obvious stares. ugh. so yeah rosie sucks and finley is weird, apparently they were holding hands today. ew. that sounds so childlish, we're leaving school in two years and them "HOLDING HANDS" is gossip. jeez.

brooke told me about her empty relationship with milan, he doesn't even look in her direction. it is his first relationship though and brooke said she's only dating him out of pity, she want's to break up with him but their friendgroup is so dramatic and sensitive. i've done more with my bestfriend than brooke's done with her LITERAL BOYFRIEND. she described it as "dating a brick wall", yeesh. it's such a forced relationship. 

homoerotic friendships are good because i get to do relationship stuff but also not have to commit. the feelings are there, i'm just scared to actually dedicate myself to her. yeah maybe it's extremely painful and my heart drops whenever i see her jokingly flirt with another friend but my chest tingles whenever she touches me and i avoid brushing my teeth so i can keep her taste in my mouth for as long as possible. how gross, love makes me disgusting. i can't imagine actually dating her though, if she had feelings for me that would be okay but having a genuine relationship just seems stressful. like last time it felt like i lost all my freedom and i could only think about when we were gonna break up. 

she's very beautiful though, she has a nice body too, and pretty hair. i'm grateful that i get to press my mouth upon her bare skin, it's like a blessing from god. but he's not real so probably not. 

can't be bothered to write any more, i am sooo excited to wake up at 6am in the morning!!! NOT.

signed with fairy dust and a wish, 

- eloise