˗ˋˏ entry #23 ⋆˚⟡˖

 hey!! i didn't go to school today AGAIN.

i woke up and HELL ERUPTED. it was just screaming and crying. i was kinda bummed out for the first few hours that i was awake because of that. i still walked to the shops though, i bought myself a caffe latte BECAUSE THEY ARE BACK IN STOCK!!!!! YAAAY!!

i got home and decided to read the book series i abandoned over a year ago, it's soo good!! it's making me want to solve crime (murder most unladylike). i should read more often. 

on wednesdays, school ends an hour early so at like around 2 i was getting hungry and my mum was on a call so she couldn't make me anything so i decided to go to the shops again. and it was about 20 past 2 at this point so i realised that the kids have been unleashed from school so i was debating whether to go out or not because i have two HUGE YELLOW bruises on the right side of my face and there was a chance i could run into someone i know and they would not only see me with no makeup on but they would also see the MASSIVE BRUISES. suddenly a lightbulb goes off in my head, i have the GREAT IDEA of wearing a covid mask to cover my UGLY FACE. which was actually a really stupid idea. so i go out in sweatpants and the same hoodie i've been wearing for the past few days and i am walking down the long road to get there, as i am like halfway down the road i see the one sight i did not want to see. BIKES. two boys on bikes. the distance between us made it difficult for me to see their faces yet alone their ties to try and identify them but as they're getting closer i can hear them talking because they were REALLY LOUD. that's when i realised they were two guys in my year, jenson and fraser. who are ASSHOLES. and i am hoping they take no notice of me but guess what, THEY DO. as they ride past, fraser screams at me "it's not covid anymore, you spastic". so i had to process what he just screamed at me and i felt like a right idiot so i decided to take off the mask and continue my journey.

i got the sandwich, walked back peacefully and got into bed. yaaaaay. i went on a walk around the field too. 

i HAVE to go to school tomorrow which is BAD because not only is my face BRUISED and UGLY, i am gonna have to see LEAH. for some reason poppy thought it was okay to tell her, WHO IS A RACIST, that we've been running away from her. THANKS POPPY. she only likes leah because she has a emo fringe, it's PATHETIC. 

and tobias is gonna be really fucking annoying too.

i'm gonna sleeeep!

signed with fairy dust and a wish,

- eloise

˗ˋˏ entry #22 ⋆˚⟡˖

 heyyy!!!!!!!!

i didn't go to school again today. i got up, did some exercise and then went out on a walk around the huge field right outside my street. i like where i live, at the end of my street there's a little alley way that leads into a little woody area, onto a one way road that follows to a corner shop, it's like a two minute walk. so i can just get up and walk there to buy a drink, which i've been doing alot lately. 

since i've been hating my body alot more recently, i've been trying to fast more. i fasted for over 24 hours today, unfortunately i broke it because my parents bought me KFC. how disappointing. it's as if they're trying to sabotage me. i've been able to get away with not eating by saying i bought a sandwich from the corner shop, it works. i just feel so fat and gross. i was 101.6lbs before eating the kfc. ugh.

also the corner shop is like out of stock or something. it's been like that for two days. the drink i always get (starbucks caffe latte) is COMPLETELY GONE so i have been buying the starbucks mocha frappuccino instead. it's quite good, i prefer the other drink though. 

jess came round after school, it felt weird seeing her in her uniform, especially in my jumper. we had PE last week, as we were getting changed i put on her jumper by mistake. i really missed her, i forgot how happy her presence makes me. sucks that i am inlove with her, how shameful and filthy. she see's me as a bestfriend while i am over here dreaming about her voice. i feel so guilty. i just have to wait for it to pass.

she stayed with me for a few hours and told me about some drama. alvin and leah are FRIENDS AGAIN?!!!!!???? and POPPY TOLD LEAH THAT WE HAVE BEEN RUNNING AWAY FROM HER???? what the hell POPPY. 

i am gonna try to not eat tomorrow, i sound so disordered. i'm not.

i need to read more, reading will make me a better writer and i have so much books on my shelves, like so much. i never really got round to reading them. maybe reading will help me distract myself.

i am gonna wake up early tomorrow, do my exercise and try to walk around the field for at least an hour. i'll go to the shops and hopefully be able to buy a latte or a frap. it'll be okay. i will be okay. i will get home and maybe catch up on homework or revision. or i will watch a film, maybe i will read. i hopefully will read. reading will improve my english skills, i'm not that good. but i will become good. i will become prettier, smarter and happier. this winter, i will improve. 

i hope the swelling goes away soon, there's two big yellow bruises on my face. ew. 

i am dreading school on thursday, at least i will see jess. she make's it worth it.

i'm gonna sleep now, i am debating whether i should sleep in or wake up early. we'll see.

signed with fairy dust and a wish,

- eloise

˗ˋˏ entry #21 ⋆˚⟡˖

 i'm so unlovable.

my bestfriend never compliments me. it feels like she only insults me. she keeps on calling me flat and it really makes me sad because i've trusted her to see my body so much and i have only been intimate with her only for her to just insult my appearance and i feel so repulsive. if she can't love me, who can? 

she can be so mean about my appearance and then she rests her head on my chest so i feel like nobody else will ever want to touch me because i am ugly and disgusting. and to make it worse, she is everything i am not. she is pretty and smart with a good body. and i am disgusting. i feel so pathetic because she's just so much better than me and without her i am nothing. will anyone ever love me?

she doesn't even love me. god, i really am stupid. 

she never touches me or compliments me, it's like i don't deserve it. i do not deserve to be loved. because i am UGLY.

UGLY. FAT. FLAT.

life is so unfair.

she wouldn't even care if i was gone, that is how little i matter. 

i've been working out alot recently, i'll continue to do so. maybe i'll be loved then.

signed with fairy dust and a wish,

- eloise

˗ˋˏ entry #20 ⋆˚⟡˖

 I AM DISGUSTING. 

i got the surgery so now my face is extremely swollen but on ONE SIDE. so now i am FAT AND UGLY. i will not be returning to school until it is GONE. 

i am so excited for christmas, it's just so much happier around that time. i want gifts too. i watched 'i believe in unicorns', i liked it.

I AM SO UGLY RIGHT NOW. looks are my everything, i don't know what to do. 

i have to turn off ALL MY LIGHTS in my bedroom so i can't see myself because when i catch a glimpse of my reflection i get extremely suicidal. 

feeling extremely unlovable. the "situationship" friends with benefits thing makes it SO MUCH WORSE. because like yeah we do stuff but it mostly feels like I'M doing the stuff. i wanna be loved too. kissing and touching is fun and i love doing it but sometimes it all feels one sided, i just feel so alone. am i that hard to love? i'm not expecting her to like me romantically, i just want to feel that she likes me platonically, even if what we do doesn't seem platonic. does that make sense? like i always compliment her up the ass, i never get anything back. like not ANYTHING. i just feel ugly and lonely. if she can't love me, who will? she's seen every side of me, am i not pretty enough???? the moment i find someone who'll treat me how i treat them, I WILL ABANDON THE FWB AND BE INLOVE!!!!! like it's not even that much to ask for, i just want some innocent touch and some compliments, you don't need to have benefits to give that to your friend. i want to be inlove so bad, with someone who loves me and doesn't treat me like a man. i am so girly, it's probably because i'm tall. she can also be like a little bit mean, but she's like that with everyone. oh, this will mess up my perception of romantic love for a while.

I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED!!!!!

anyways i got to sleep. i will be dreaming about a fem girlfriend who kisses my face, calls me beautiful and doesn't act like being sweet to me is a hazard. 

am i being dramatic??

signed with fairy dust and a wish,

- eloise 

˗ˋˏ entry #19 ⋆˚⟡˖

 I AM SO PISSED??!?! 

fucking rosie. she has like one sided issues with me and it is SO annoying.

i had PE and we were doing badminton and me, jess and poppy were doing doubles with rosie. so me and jess were on one side and rosie and poppy on the other and since it's BADMINTON i was mainly just pissing about. so i was just laughing at literally everything and she said "just play the fucking game properly" and "you have to actually try" like i don't even know why she actually hates me so much because i couldn't care less about her. over a BOY mind you. I DON'T EVEN LIKE BOYS. she just kept on giving me attitude. what a bitch.

anyways, i like how it is getting colder. oh yeah. i love it.

i have surgery tomorrow. ugh. at least i'm missing a day of school. 

i want a slimmer face.

i laughed alot today, jess makes me laugh. yay.

i am so tired. ughh.

i got into a HUGE ARGUMENT with my sister. i'm not gonna go into it but she's posted me on twitter and tiktok?? ugh.

and now she's refusing to go to school tomorrow and my parents were SCREAMING AT ME because it's all my fault apparently. they so obviously favourite her. i am so upset. they never try to understand me and they love to see me sad, they're like my enemies. 

signed with fairy dust and a wish, 

- eloise