˗ˋˏ entry #20 ⋆˚⟡˖

 I AM DISGUSTING. 

i got the surgery so now my face is extremely swollen but on ONE SIDE. so now i am FAT AND UGLY. i will not be returning to school until it is GONE. 

i am so excited for christmas, it's just so much happier around that time. i want gifts too. i watched 'i believe in unicorns', i liked it.

I AM SO UGLY RIGHT NOW. looks are my everything, i don't know what to do. 

i have to turn off ALL MY LIGHTS in my bedroom so i can't see myself because when i catch a glimpse of my reflection i get extremely suicidal. 

feeling extremely unlovable. the "situationship" friends with benefits thing makes it SO MUCH WORSE. because like yeah we do stuff but it mostly feels like I'M doing the stuff. i wanna be loved too. kissing and touching is fun and i love doing it but sometimes it all feels one sided, i just feel so alone. am i that hard to love? i'm not expecting her to like me romantically, i just want to feel that she likes me platonically, even if what we do doesn't seem platonic. does that make sense? like i always compliment her up the ass, i never get anything back. like not ANYTHING. i just feel ugly and lonely. if she can't love me, who will? she's seen every side of me, am i not pretty enough???? the moment i find someone who'll treat me how i treat them, I WILL ABANDON THE FWB AND BE INLOVE!!!!! like it's not even that much to ask for, i just want some innocent touch and some compliments, you don't need to have benefits to give that to your friend. i want to be inlove so bad, with someone who loves me and doesn't treat me like a man. i am so girly, it's probably because i'm tall. she can also be like a little bit mean, but she's like that with everyone. oh, this will mess up my perception of romantic love for a while.

I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED!!!!!

anyways i got to sleep. i will be dreaming about a fem girlfriend who kisses my face, calls me beautiful and doesn't act like being sweet to me is a hazard. 

am i being dramatic??

signed with fairy dust and a wish,

- eloise