hello!! this is my first ever entry, yaaaay!! i've been wanting to start a new blog for a while, since the old website i used has been banned due to the stupid uk safety law. ugh.
life is okay, i'm desperately clinging on to the last remaining days of the summer holidays before i'm forced to go back to school for a new terrible year of the same stuff all over again.
school. that overhyped prison with fluorescent lighting and a dress code, where you're expected to decide your ENTIRE future while still asking permission to use the bathroom. nothing quite boosts your self esteem like being talked over in group projects or picked last for literally ANYTHING. and then there's the joy of walking past the people who used to be my "best friends" until i apparently committed the unforgivable crime of existing slightly differently than they wanted me to. to make things SO MUCH WORSE, there's popular kids lurking around every corner, waiting for their new victim to laugh at for no logical reason.
but this year is different, year 10. the important year where GCSEs really begin and you're expected to actually listen and revise. i'm supposed to start thinking about my future career but i don't even know what i'm good at. or if i'm even good at anything. everyone else seems to have a plan meanwhile i'm trying to get through double science without gouging my eyes out. but SUREE, let me go ahead and map out my entire life while having panic attacks over HOMEWORK.
school for the next few months will be the same as the previous years, miserable. the air is sharp and brittle, fog drifts low and every footstep sounds distant and lonely, everything will be dull and grey. fingers go numb before even reaching the school gates, having to wake up at 6am every morning, being dragged out of a warm, cozy bed only to shiver through the first steps outside. the classrooms will smell of cheap body spray and costa coffee, shrieking and obnoxious laughter will echo around the room, the gross school air will mess up my makeup and the loud screech of the bell will make my head pulse. i am so not excited.
along with the gloom of autumn, i have to put up with previous drama that emerged just before summer started. GREAT!! i thought i could avoid the responsibility of learning what i apparently did wrong (i literally didnt do ANYTHING WRONG this time) but i guess not.
oh yes, i can't forget about the new year 7s coming up!! they become more insufferable every year, i have no idea where they get the confidence from but its ridiculous. the influence of social media has turned them all into mini chavs who wear russian lashes and nike tech tracksuits. ughhhhhh.
i was supposed to hangout with my friend today, but she decided to ghost me instead. so i'm currently laying in bed with a full face of makeup, eating magic stars and drinking a starbucks caffe latte for breakfast. yum.
i'm having trouble sleeping, which is WEIRD because i have like a week until i go back to school. i think it's because i have a weird pain in my upper leg which allows me to sleep for a maximum of 2 hours until it wakes me up due to discomfort. and i actually need to fix my sleep schedule, like seriously i have no idea how i'm gonna cope in school when i got 3 hours of rest the previous night.
and on top of all that, my bestfriend EVER has REPLACED ME. with my EX. it's not like our relationship was serious though, we were young and curious. and she was experimental. but yeah, it made our friendship awkward and we started hating eachother and it ended with knife threats. throughout secondary school, we have been on and off friends but not because we want to, because our mutual friends keep on bringing us together. which SUCKS. if she could actually interact with me like a normal person it wouldnt suck so much. my best friend was making fun of her two months ago and now she's "BESTFRIENDS" with HER. which is actually really sad because me and my bestfriend were really close, we always laughed together, hanged out all the time, and we did alot of...things. and when i lost all my friends, she stayed with me. i watched her replace others before, i just never thought she would replace me. especially because we had a really good friendship and because other factors.
there was a period of time where we would have sleepovers and "practice" as if we were rehearsing for someone else's love story, but it felt real to me. i thought we were in that rare place where friendship and love blurred until they were the same thing. we weren't dating but we belonged to eachother, or atleast i belonged to her. i told myself it was fine and that love didn't need a label but maybe i just didn't want to hear the one she gave it. these feelings had already consumed me for a year before these moments, so it only got worse.
i'm jealous of the ease she chose someone else over me. i'm angry that she turned our intimacy into a joke and let me believe i mattered that way. i'm hurt because every kiss i remember is a kiss she's probably forgotten. i'm guilty for wanting more than she was offering. and im ashamed that part of me still wants her, even as she leaves me behind. i dont know if im mourning a friend or a lover.
but i've lost feelings. it feels weird but freeing, like i've been released from the chains of her advantage, from my chains of desperation. i dont think of her when i listen to love songs, i dont crave her touch and approval, i dont daydream about her attention, i dont melt at the sight of her smile or the sound of her voice. a routine that was so familiar, gone.
was i too much? not enough? did i make her tired of me the way she used to get tired of others.
now she has a new bestfriend, i wonder why i'm not the one she's reaching for.
i just can't believe this. what about everything we had? our inside jokes? our shared secrets? our vulnerability? did it not mean anything to her? we were so close. i let her be the closest to me, i've never let that happen with anyone else. the thought of letting someone else take her place hurts me deeply. i was vulnerable and tender, im not sure i will ever be like that again. will anybody else ever be able to make me as happy as she did?
but love fades when it's starved, and somewhere between her long silences, the harsh tone in her voice, the cold words she would speak and the secrets she would keep, i felt it slipping away. how did we go from kissing to that?
maybe that's just what happens, closeness doesn't mean forever. and that's okay, to have been loved by her in our own strange way, for as long as we had it even if it was never mine to keep.
actually it's not okay. i am SO MAD!!!! whatever. it's so whatever!!
anyways, i've recently made two new friends!!! they're really nice and cool! we have some common interests so thats super duper good!!
i need to wash my pink hair dye out before school starts. i'll miss my cute pink hair..
anyways, i'm gonna go watch netflix now!!
signed with fairy dust and a wish
- eloise ☆
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